Gifts of time and love

Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas.

- Peg Bracken

Motives Leading to a Poor Conversations

1. "Wanting to win. (The) desire to win is built into our very fiber before we're old enough to know what's going on... Unfortunately, as we grow older, most of us don't realize that the desire to win is continually driving us away from healthy dialogue. We start out with the goal of resolving a problem, but as soon as someone raises the red flag of inaccuracy or challenges out correctness, we switch purposes in a heartbeat"
2. "Seeking revenge. Sometimes, as our anger increases, we move from wanting to win the point to wanting to harm the other person... (response is) Everyone immediately clams up and looks at the floor."
3. "Hoping to remain safe... Rather than add to the pool of meaning, and possibly make waves along the way, we go to silence. We're so uncomfortable with the immediate conflict that we accept the certainty of bad results to avoid the possibility of uncomfortable conversation. We choose... peace over conflict.(the objective of the conversation is not met)"

- "Crucial Conversations - Tools for talking when stakes are high"

Maintaining Composure Under Fire

To maintain composure under fire ask yourself "what do I really want here?"

"What do I really want?... it's not to make the other person squirm or to preen in front of a crowd. I want " your actual objective of having the conversation (such as cut cost).

"When we ask ourselves what we really want,... the problem solving part of our brain recognizes that we are now dealing with intricate social issues and not physical threats."

"Once you've asked yourself what you want, add one more equally telling question:

How would I behave if I really wanted these results?"

- "Crucial Conversations - Tools for talking when stakes are high"

Work on Me First

'Although it's true that there are times when we are merely bystanders in life's never-ending stream of head-on collisions, rarely are we completely innocent... People who are best at dialogue understand this simple fact and turn it into the principle "Work on me first."...As much as others may need to change, or we may want them to change, the only person we can continually inspire, prod, and shape--with any degree of success--is the person in the mirror...People who believe they need to start with themselves...become the most skilled at dialogue. It's the most talented, not the least talented, who are continually trying to improve their dialogue skills.'

- "Crucial Conversations - Tools for talking when stakes are high"

Difficulty with Crucial Conversations

"We either anticipate a crucial conversation or are in the middle of one and we're at our absolute worst -- we  yell; we withdraw; we say things we later regret... That's because emotions don't exactly prepare us to converse effectively. Countless generations of genetic shaping drive humans to handle crucial conversations with flying fists and fleet feet, not intelligent persuasion and gentle attentiveness... Tow tiny organs seated neatly atop your kidneys pump adrenaline into your bloodstream. You don't choose to do this. Your adrenal glands do it, and then you have to live with it... Your brain diverts blood... (and) the higher level reasoning sections of your brain get less (blood). As a result, you end up facing challenging conversations with the same equipment available to a rhesus monkey."

- "Crucial Conversations - Tools for talking when stakes are high"

When Talking Turns Tough

When talking turns tough, do we pause, take a deep breath, announce to out innerselves, "Uh-oh, this discussion is crucial. I'd better pay close attention" and then trot out our best behavior(minding one's Ps and Qs)?

- "Crucial Conversations - Tools for talking when stakes are high"

Pattern of Behavior in Conversations

"If you handle even a seemingly insignificant conversation poorly, you establish a pattern of behavior that shows up in all of your crucial conversations."

- "Crucial Conversations - Tools for talking when stakes are high"

Effects of Communication Failure

"The void created by the failure to communicate is soon filled with poison,drivel(Silly nonsense) and misrepresentation.
-- C. Northcote Parkinson"

- "Crucial Conversations - Tools for talking when stakes are high"