Lurch headlong from one pleasurable experience to the next without ever achieving satisfaction

"We are constantly murmuring, muttering, scheming or wondering to ourselves under our breath," wrote (Dr. Mark) Epstein. "'I like this. I don't like that. She hurt me. How can I get that? More of this, no more of that.' Much of our inner dialogue is this constant reaction to experience by a selfish, childish protagonist. None of us has moved very far from the seven-year-old who vigilantly watches to see who got more." There were also delightful passages about the human tendency to lurch headlong from one pleasurable experience to the next without ever achieving satisfaction. Epstein totally nailed my habit of hunting around my plate for the next bite before I'd tasted what was in my mouth. As he described it, "I do not want to experience the fading of the flavor - the colorless, cottony pulp that succeeds that spectacular burst over my taste buds."

- 10% Happier by Dan Harris

Understand that the present moment is what it is and then do what you need to do

"So, you're not saying sit around, let everything wash over you, let people cut you off in your car. You're saying understand that it is what it is right now--" (Dan Harris)

"And then do what you need to do,"..."Make the present moment your friend rather than your enemy. Because many people live habitually as if the present moment were an obstacle that they need to overcome in order to get to the next moment. And imagine living your whole life like that, where always this moment is never quite right, not good enough because you need to get to the next one. That is continuous stress." Eckhart Tolle

- 10% Happier by Dan Harris

Gusts of wind

"... what if somebody cuts you off in your car?" (Dan Harris)
"It's fine. It's like a sudden gust of wind. I don't personalize a gust of wind, and so it's simply what is." (Eckhart Tolle)

- 10% Happier by Dan Harris

whatever was coming next would definitely be better

"...in a deadline-dominated world of news, I was always hurtling headlong through the day, checking things off my to-do list, constantly picturing completion instead of calmly and carefully enjoying the process. The unspoken assumption behind most of my forward momentum was that whatever was coming next would definitely be better. Only when I reached that ineffable ... whatever ... would I be totally satisfied."

- 10% Happier by Dan Harris

The great curse

"The great curse, though, is that, as I's learned on 9/11, you come to see these events, at least in part, through the lens of self-interest. Did I get to go? Did I perform well? This psychology was not discussed much in all the autobiographies of legendary journalists that I's read, but it was nonetheless real."

- 10% Happier by Dan Harris

We expend most of our energy competing with our own colleagues

"As outsider might assume that we journalists spend most of our time competing with people from other networks. In actuality, we expend most of our energy competing with our own colleagues. In order to retain my spot on the front lines, I found myself vying against fellow correspondents like David Wright, another young reporter who'd recently arrived from local news. He was aggressive and smart, and I kind of resented him for it... during a period in which David was kicking ass over in Afghanistan and I was stuck in New York, I could barely bring myself to watch the news."

- 10% Happier By Dan Harris

When you're covering a news story there's a tendency to feel bulletproof

If gunshots had gone off in a situation where I was not on the job, I would have wet my pants. I had no record of courage in my personal life...When you're covering a news story, however, there's a tendency to feel bulletproof. It's as if there's a buffer between you and the world, as exponentially more dangerous variant of the unreality you feel when taking a stroll while listening to your iPod. In the context of combat, my reflex to worry had been completely overridden by my desire to be part of the big story."

- 10% Happier by Dan Harris

Hypervigilance prolongs life but makes it less enjoyable

"...the balance between stress and contentment was life's biggest riddle. On the one hand, I was utterly convinced that the continuation of any success I had achieved was contingent upon persistent hypervigilance. I figured this kind of behavior must be adaptive from an evolutionary standpoint - caveman who worried about possible threats, real or imagined, probably survived longer. On the other hand, I was keenly aware that while this kind of insecurity might prolong life, it also made it less enjoyable."

- 10% Happier By Dan Harris

To which "self" should we be true to?

"...to which "self" are we to be true?...Is it the one who speaks from the dark recesses of the heart when we're depressed or upset, or the one that appears during those fleeting moments when life seems so fanciful and light?"

- Michael A. Singer in "The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself"

Faith is taking the first step when you don't see the whole staircase

"Faith is taking the first step when you don't see the whole staircase"

- Martin Luther King Jr.

A safe haven to hone skills

"The Talent Code" book significantly stresses the importance of a safe haven to practice deeply, make errors and learn from them (a.k.a being at the edge of one's ability) without paying a huge cost (of life or public ridicule). Could not agree more.

Practice more deeply, to stop, struggle, make errors, and learn from them

Edwin Link's trainer (a jet aircraft trainer for pilots) worked so well "... because it "permitted pilots to practice more deeply, to stop, struggle, make errors, and learn from them. During a few hours in a Link trainer, a pilot could "take off" and "land" a dozen times on instruments. He could dive, stall, and recover, spending hours inhabiting the sweet spot at the edge of his capabilities in ways he could never risk in an actual plane."

- The Talent Code by Daniel Coyle

Greatness by spending vast amounts of time and energy being immature

Great writers "become great writers not in spite of the fact that they started out immature and imitative but because they were willing to spend vast amounts of time and energy being immature and imitative, building myelin in the confined, safe space of their little books."

- The Talent Code by Daniel Coyle

Deep practice X 10,000 hours = world-class skill

"The true expertise of ... geniuses, the research suggests, resides in their ability to deep-practice obsessively, even when it doesn't necessarily look like they're practicing.
...
Deep practice X 10,000 hours = world-class skill"

- The Talent Code by Daniel Coyle

"Buying Time"

"The more effective and competent you feel, the more you think you've accomplished, which makes your remaining time feel more expansive, Mogilner explains... If you get a lot done in an hour, you tend to imagine how much you'll be able to do during the rest of the day."

- Psychology Today

A Good Apology

"Social psychologist Steven Scher of Eastern Illinois University has identified five main elements of apologies: a simple expression of regret ("I'm sorry" "I apologize" or "Excuse me"); an explanation or account of the cause that brought about the violation ("I forgot to call you the other day with the information"); an expression of the speaker's responsibility for the offense ("what I did was wrong"); a promise of forbearance ("I promise nothing like this will happen again"); and an offer of repair ("What can I do to make it up to you?")"

- Psychology Today

Persuasion

"When you want to change someone's mood, mind or willingness to act, ask yourself not "How can I win this argument?" but "How can I win agreement without anger?" says rhetorics expert Jay Heinrichs, author of Thank you for Arguing... Figure out what you want, then go about getting it.

"Never debate the undebatable," he says. "Instead, focus on goals." Control the mood with volume, tone, stories. Watch for persuadable moments, And most important, be agreeable -- express similarities and shared values; show people that you have their best interest, as well as your own, at heart.

And never discount the power of bringing up someone's peer group, says Robert Cialdini, Arizona State University psychologist turned consultant, who wrote the book on persuasion (Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion). He points to an energy company that placed monthly hangers on doors to let people know where they stood on energy use compared to their neighbors - and reduced usage by 3.5 percent. "It's not peer pressure as much as 'social evidence," says Heinrichs. Evolutionarily, it's proven smart to do what those around us in similar situations have done."

- Psychology Today

The correct praise

"Praising someone's ability to work hard is more effective than gushing about how brilliant she is. Research shows that kids who are praised for their intelligence do not try as hard on future tasks. Praising smarts breeds the belief that things should come naturally - and when they don't, kids think they are no longer bright. Or they choose unchallenging paths so as not to be exposed as "frauds."

"Being praised for effort or other aspects of performance directly under your control leads to resilience, while being praised for being smart or for other innate abilities can lead to feelings of helplessness or self-doubt when a setback occurs." says psychologist Heidi Grant Halvorson, associate director of the Motivation Science Center at Columbia University... When praised for persistence, those who think the path ahead will be difficult invest more effort.

... To the brain, receiving a compliment is as much as social reward as being given money."

- Psychology Today

Healthier decisions

Guiding "people towards making healthier decisions by tapping into their own values, can provide a template for encouraging someone you care about to ... partake less of any ... harmful behaviour.

William Miller, emeritus professor of psychology and psychiatry at the University of New Mexico and his Colleague Stephen Rollnick found it is essential to engage a person's intrinsic motivation to change. Conversational techniques include asking open-ended questions("How do you feel about your health right now?" "What kinds of activities do you like that don't involve eating/drinking?" "What small change would you like to make?"), providing affirmations ("It seems that you would like to work on your self-control."), using reflective listening and making summary statements.

A key component of motivational enhancement is to help a person recognize the difference between the way she wants her life to be and the way it is now: "How does drinking every night interfere with other things you would like to do?" The question allows the person to come up with her own solutions as well as her own motivations.

It's helpful to focus on things that are important to your loved one with-out laying on guilt ("What will the children think?"). Goals should be small, specific, and realistic, and always the person's own idea: "So what do you want to tackle first?" Self-control can be practiced, and habits can be formed and unformed. The path starts within..."

- Psychology Today

Framing Criticism

"Susan Heitler, author of From Conflict to Resolution, recommends feedback that "skips the complaining and goes straight to the explaining"(the solution).
For instance, while cooking, instead of saying, "That's not the way to saute, that will dry out the potatoes," offer helpful tips, such as: "If you start out with a hot skillet, it will be easier to tell when the potatoes are done; that's it, keep stirring until the onions are translucent, add a little more butter, keep stirring...perfect!"

For parents, the same approach applies to homework and chores. Choose encouraging statements over a stern grilling, Heitler advises, and say what you would prefer your child to do rather than what she has not done or has done incorrectly.("I'd love to see your playroom cleaned by this weekend so you and your friends can have fun downstairs," instead of "This place is a mess! What have you been doing? You haven't picked up one thing. No one is coming over this weekend until this room is spotless.")

Criticism is the single most significant factor in a child's perception of the parental relationship. It's important to criticize without demeaning or humiliating.

If you feel disappointed with a child's performance at school or in any other domain, it's best to channel the feeling into a fact-finding discussion. Ask your child to evaluate his own performance and what he got out of the experience. If he is dissatisfied with the outcome of his own actions, ask what he might do differently the next time, and what he feels he needs in order to do as well as he wants.

... We are social creatures, and the way we say things has real power. To show care when choosing how to phrase something is a way to honor, and safe-guard, any relationship."


- Psychology Today